


"And the Thunder Rolls"

by Spnsami331



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cheating, Crying Dean Winchester, Domestic Violence, M/M, Needles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:08:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 18,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26834950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spnsami331/pseuds/Spnsami331
Summary: Castiel makes the heartbreaking discovery that Dean is having an affair.Inspired by the masterpiece "And the Thunder Rolls" by Garth Brooks.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Ruby/Sam Winchester
Comments: 13
Kudos: 90





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I am posting this today in honor of my fiance Justin on this the 4th anniversary of his tragic passing. Rest in Peace Justin. I love and miss you always. ✝
> 
> That being said, I would have died of heartbreak after his passing if not for the love and support of my Supernatural family. Thank you all so very much. I love you and God bless. 📿
> 
> This is a very short beginning reminiscent of the start of the music video. There's lots more good stuff to come in following chapters, and I hope you'll be intrigued enough to read on as I update.
> 
> Thank you all again!

"You shouldn't be with him," Jo Harvelle whispered, pulling the blankets over her bare chest to block the late night chill.

Dean Winchester rolled his eyes. "Don't start."

"You don't love him," she insisted, shaking her head and making her long sandy hair sway. 

Tying the laces of his heavy black boots, Dean ordered her, "I said, drop it."

"You don't love him," Jo repeated. "We belong together."

Anger flickered in Dean's beautiful green eyes. It caught Jo by surprise. Her complexion paled, and her puppy dog eyes swelled with sadness.

In all of the time they'd been seeing each other, Jo had never felt Dean's legendary wrath unleashed on her. It wasn't so much that she was afraid. Her mother had taught her to fight at a young age, and Jo was confident that she could defend herself if need be. But Jo cared about Dean and didn't want to agitate him. 

Still, it was true, what she had said. How could Dean deny it? He could not be in love if he was crawling into Jo's bed every chance he got. Clearly something was missing in THEIR relationship. So it needed to end. Dean needed to be with the person he was into the most. 

It wasn't right for him to pretend to be in some perfect fairy tale marriage. Dean and Jo could be so happy together, fishing and hunting and going out to bars. He never did things Dean enjoyed. Why should Dean wake up in his bed every morning?

Pulling his arm through the sleeve of his jacket, Dean chortled, "I told you from the beginning this was just a casual thing. If you weren't cool with that, you should have said so then."

Crossing her arms and stiffening her upper lip, Jo demanded, "You're going to have to choose, Dean. It's him or me. You can't have us both."

He paused half way out of the door and met her eyes. "It's not even a choice," Dean declared. "I love him. I can't live without him."


	2. "Another Love Grows Cold"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the midst of the worst storm of the summer, Dean has not made it home. As a result, Castiel's life is about to fall apart in the worst way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cannot thank you all enough. So many people have read the first chapter and left kudos. My Supernatural family has been so good to me at this difficult time when I feel my grief so much harder. I am so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. Please know how much you all mean to me. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.😻
> 
> Next week Castiel might tell Dean about his deal with the Empty and I don't know how i will deal. 😭
> 
> I hope you all enjoy chapter two. God bless you all!! 📿

In all his life, Castiel had never seen such a violent storm. The high wind gusts had been wreaking havoc on the electricity. Lighting bolts smacked into the earth as if God Himself were upset at their tiny Tennessee town. Thunder claps rattled the windows and doors. 

It was a wonder that Jack could sleep through it all. But it was for the best. If he were awake, he would be just as worried. 

A frantic Castiel paced back and forth between the foggy glass windows and his cell phone charging on the table. Dean hadn't called or text in hours. Before the storm hit, Dean grabbing a beer with Sam hadn't seemed like such a big deal. Now, Castiel found himself praying with all of his heart for his spouse to just be alright.

Castiel caught a glimpse of his reflection in the dark television screen. His hand drifted to the bruise around his sky blue eyes. His touch stung the cut right below it on his cheek. 

Of course he'd had it coming. It was not appropriate for him to try to stop Dean from watching the game with his buddies. Jack would have gotten over his fever with only Castiel tending to him. Everything was fine. Dean had promised never to do it again, and Castiel knew how much he and Dean loved each other. Everything was fine.

Sure, Castiel's brothers and sisters had freaked out when they saw his face. Gabriel and Balthazar had tried to convince him to go to the police, and they'd even offered to welcome Castiel and Jack into their homes. Michael and Raphael had threatened to give Dean a taste of his own medicine. Naomi and Anna had suggested he see a doctor. But none of them knew the truth. Dean was the best husband in the world. He just lost his temper sometimes, was all. Everything was fine.

Everything was fine. It was just the storm. He'd had to wait the storm out at the bar. There could be no other reason.

'Please God, please watch over my husband.' Castiel begged the Lord. He stared out the window for any sign of headlights amidst the torrents of rain.

Thunder banged with ferocity. It made Castiel shiver. Castiel could not shake the feeling that the Lord was trying to tell him something that he just could not understand. 

Castiel tried to read a novel he'd gotten on loan from the library. But he could not focus on it. His eyes bounced back and forth between the windows, the book and his cell phone. At any moment, he expected it to ring and bring the worst possible news. What if Dean had been in an accident? What if he was lying helpless in a hospital bed, his skin getting pricked with IV needles? Oh, what if he was so scared and alone? 

What if Dean was dead?

Castiel's heart stopped for a moment. 

When he could breathe again, he succumbed, time of night be damned. Castiel picked up his phone and dialed Sam's cell phone number. Each ring brought a new sense of dread. Maybe something had happened to Sam too. What if they were both injured? What if they were trapped in a ditch somewhere, bloody and soaked to the skin? 

"Hello?" A woman's groggy voice asked.

"Ruby. It's Castiel. Is Dean still with Sam?" Castiel pressed.

"What are you talking about?" Ruby sounded so confused. And if she were answering the phone, Sam must have been at home. Castiel felt his stomach twist into a pretzel knot. 

"Sam and Dean went out for drinks tonight, and Dean hasn't come back, and with this storm I'm really worried…" Castiel rambled on.

Ruby interrupted, "... Cass, Honey, Sam never went out with Dean tonight." Castiel gasped. "Sam has the flu. That's why I'm up at this God awful hour; I'm trying to bring his fever down."

"'Sam has the flu'?" Castiel's voice fell. "Where could Dean be?"

"Cass, Sweetie, I'm sure he's alright. He probably lost track of time or something…" 

Castiel could hear Ruby struggling for the right words. In their marriage, Sam was the more emotional one, while Ruby remained level headed. But she did care, and she was trying her best to help.

"Thank you, Ruby. I've gotta go."

"Cass…"

"Goodnight Ruby."

Click!

Sam had the flu. Dean had lied to him about what he was doing and who he was with. Why would he do that? Castiel had never been suspicious or accusatory towards him. Dean had never given him any reason to be. It wasn't in Castiel's nature, anyway. There was a pure goodness in Castiel's heart that was almost angelic. Castiel trusted and loved people without any strings attached. 

Apparently, the same could not be said of Dean. He was capable of deception, and maybe even disgrace. It hadn't seemed possible for Castiel to ever feel such doubt towards the love of his life. 

Maybe everything was still fine. True, Dean was not with Sam. But that did not mean that he was with someone else. It was not fair to think such terrible things about Dean.

Castiel's mind drifted back to their wedding day. Dean's smile had swallowed up his entire face, and his eyes had sparkled with delight as Cass started walking down the aisle. Castiel had to keep reminding himself not to race down the aisle and into his boyfriend's arms. When the minister pronounced them as husbands, the kiss they shared had brought Castiel to tears of joy.

Then, as they lay together for the first time as a married couple, Dean had kissed the top of Castiel's head and told him 'I need you.'

No, Castiel had no right to believe Dean would ever betray him. All this was just because of the weather. Everything was fine.

Regardless of his reasons for being away from home, there still existed the possibility that Dean was hurt. Nothing Dean could do could ever make Castiel stop loving him. Nothing could keep him from worrying about his soul mate. 

Castiel peered out the window. Then, at long last, bright white headlights shone into the driveway. The Impala's engine hissed as it shut off. 'Thanks be to God'. 

Relief coursed through his blood and calmed his anxiety as Castiel rushed to the door. He could not wait to hold Dean in his arms. He couldn't wait to share a passionate kiss. He could not wait to make love to the husband he adored.

Castiel opened his arms to embrace Dean. Dean leaned in for a hug. On his shirt, Castiel inhaled an unfamiliar scent. It smelled like a woman's perfume. Castiel felt a mixture of nausea, horror and devastation. The storm seemed to intensify as Castiel's emotions spun out of control.

Sick with sorrow, Castiel stumbled back into the house. Dean held onto his arm to steady him, but Castiel pulled his arm away. His heart felt as if it had been thrown on the floor and stomped on. 

"Babe, what's wrong?" Dean asked, reaching out again for his mate.

"Who is it?" Castiel murmured, still too unbalanced to look at his husband.

"What are you talking about?" Dean queried.

"Who is it?" Castiel repeated. 

"Cass! You're not making any sense!" Dean answered.

"How could you do this to me, you weak, spineless son-of-a-bitch!" Castiel screamed. 

Dean stated, "Stop it now. You're going to wake Jack."

"It's Jo. Isn't it?" Castiel surmised. Dean's eyes fell for a second. "It is Jo! You cheated on me with that cheap little bar skank!"

"Leave Jo out of it! She doesn't have a stick up her ass like you do!" Dean shouted. 

"You're actually blaming me because you screwed somebody else! You can go straight to hell!" 

Tears welled up in Castiel's eyes. Dean extended his index finger and dried one as it fell. Despite his anger, Castiel allowed him to do it. His need for comfort and love in this terrible time trumped his rage in that moment. 

Dean cooed, "Baby, it's late. You're tired, and you're stressed. Let's just go to bed, and we can talk things out in the morning."

Castiel would have been lying if he said he wasn't tempted. But he shook his head and asserted, "You will never share my bed again Dean Winchester!!"

"Cass…"

Castiel shook his head. "I'll sleep on the couch tonight. In the morning, Jack and I will move in with Balthazar until I can find us our own apartment."

Batting tears off of his cheeks, Castiel turned on his heel towards the couch. A tight grip on his arm jerked him to an abrupt halt. Castiel felt a spasm of terror in his gut as Dean glared at him. In all of his life, Castiel had never seen such venom in a man's eyes. Dean's fingernails dug into the skin of Castiel's forearms.

"You're not going anywhere!" Dean spat, his light green eyes dark with rage. Castiel could almost see the fires of Hell flickering inside of them. 

"Let go of me!" Castiel demanded. He wiggled and tugged, but he was unable to free himself from Dean's grasp.

"I love you and Jack, and you love me, and we are going to stay a family," Dean declared.

"I do love you, but enough is enough."

"I can change, Cass. No more cheating. No more lies. I swear. I'll do anything you want."

Castiel sighed, "If I had a dollar for every time I've heard that, I'd be a millionaire."

"I need you, Castiel."

"Dean…"

"You can't leave me."

Shivering with emotion, and with tears flowing with freedom down his face, Castiel replied, "I can't be with you knowing that you're sleeping with somebody else. We're over, Dean. I'm sorry."

The punch was unbelievably hard, as if Dean possessed supernatural strength. Castiel fell flat on his back, his hand jumping to cover his injured eye. The pain left him dizzy and unfocused. In his haze, he left himself way too exposed. Punches and slaps rained down on him just the same as water pelted the roof of the Impala. Blood gushed from his nose and mouth.

In between blows, Castiel struggled to catch his breath. But no matter what he did, he could not get any air into his lungs. He began to cough up blood. It occurred to him that he might die at the hand of the person he loved more than life itself. If he died, what would happen to Jack? To Dean?

Even as he came close to death, he placed the blame on his own shoulders. Breaking up with Dean had been suicide. Because of the traumas of his past, Dean could not handle rejection. Both of Dean's parents had suffered tragic deaths when Dean was young: his mother in a house fire and his father in a horrific traffic accident. Bobby Singer, his father's best friend and his adopted father, had been shot and killed. Sam had taken off to Stamford University the first chance he got, and, although they hung out from time to time, the two were not the closest pair of brothers that ever existed. 

Castiel was all that Dean had in this world. Castiel was Dean's only source of unconditional love. How would Dean cope if Castiel divorced him? 

Like this, apparently.

"Dean! Stop!"

Through eyes almost swollen shut, Castiel saw Jack racing down the stairs. His face was pink, and Castiel hoped that he wasn't crying. It upset Castiel so much that Jack was hurting. More than anything, he wished his child hadn't had to see this.

Jack had been through so much already in his short life. His mother had died in childbirth, and his father, Castiel's brother, was incarcerated in the south. Castiel and Dean had raised the boy as their own son/nephew since he was born. If not for the sake of saving his life, Castiel prayed that Dean would spare Jack yet another heartache.

When Dean continued to pound on Castiel, Jack charged him. But Dean was too strong and Castiel too weak to defend the boy. Dean shoved Jack, and he fell hard against a coffee table. A ceramic lamp crashed to the floor and shattered.

Dean retrieved one of his guns from its place near the fireplace and aimed it at Castiel's head. Staring with intensity at his lover, Castiel placed a frail hand on Dean's wrist. It shouldn't have been anywhere near enough to hinder an assault, but it gave Dean pause.

"I feel like I've loved you my whole life," Castiel whispered. 

Dean froze. Their gazes locked. Castiel's heart thudded as he watched tears spill out of Dean's soft green eyes. On the day they met, Castiel had told Dean that his eyes were the color of the Earth, God's most incredible creation. Even as his body was giving out, Castiel still believed what he'd said all those years ago. 

And the physical anguish of his broken body could never come close to rivaling the crippling pain in Castiel's heart that came from watching Dean cry. 

Because, despite the years of beatings and, now, the infidelity, Castiel loved Dean Winchester with all of his heart and soul.

Oh, Naomi and Anna had tried to psychoanalyze Castiel. They told him he was afraid of Dean. They said that Dean and Castiel were codependent on each other. Above all things, they insisted that Castiel and Dean were not in love. 

But his sisters could not have been more wrong. No, Castiel would never claim that his relationship with Dean was a healthy one. They were the poster family for a daytime TV show. He knew that better than anyone. 

Oh, but Castiel and Dean were very much in love. They'd fallen in love the moment they met. From the very beginning, their love had been passionate and fiery. It was chaotic, but it was deep and true. They could not live without each other.

God Himself wanted them to be together. Castiel believed that with all his heart. Could there be any other reason that He had sent Castiel to save Dean's life?


	3. The Miracle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback to how Dean and Castiel met. 👼 💘

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 560 hits on this story. WOW!! Thank you all so very much!! I feel so very blessed!! 
> 
> I wrote this chapter while watching Season 4 "On the Head of a Pin" 📌 and it is inspired by that episode.
> 
> Thank you all again so very much!! Enjoy!! 
> 
> God bless!! ✝ 📿 🙏

One dark, foggy night, Castiel and his brothers were leaving a pub after enjoying some burgers and brews. They were on their way to the car, laughing and planning their next outing. Then, something caught Castiel's attention. He heard the crash of metal trash cans falling and the thud of a body colliding with the ground. In a creepy alley, someone was being beaten to the brink of death. Even in the dim light, Castiel could recognize the monster of a man. Alastair. Alastair had a reputation for being a true demon, committing assaults, threatening people and reveling in every second of it. 

Castiel knew of the evil that Alastair was capable of, and he just had to intervene. Castiel jumped into the scuffle, catching Alastair off guard and shoving him away from the man. His brothers were quick to join in, and once they did, Castiel pulled the man to safety. Gabriel and Balthazar pounded on Alastair while Castiel tended to the victim. 

Castiel would always remember the terror he felt when he first checked on the man; he thought that there was no way he would recover from his injuries. His skin was coated in blood and bruises. It became apparent that he was unconscious when he couldn't respond to anything Castiel did to rouse him. 

But Castiel would not be deterred. With almost supernatural strength, Castiel scooped the wounded man into his arms and carried him to his car. It was a gold Cadillac, which his friends had nicknamed "the pimpmobile". It was an eyesore if the auto industry had ever built one, but Castiel liked it. 

All the while his brothers raced the Cadillac towards the hospital, Castiel held the man close to his chest. It was a comfort to feel his shallow breaths and know that he was clinging to life. Over and over Castiel repeated the same prayer in an audible whisper: 'Please God, please save this man! Please don't let him die! God please!'

The miracle came as Balthazar and Gabriel swore at the world's longest red light. The man blinked and opened his eyes. Even though they were bloody and puffy, Castiel thought that they were the most beautiful eyes he'd ever seen. As if the words flew from his mouth on their own, Castiel told the man that his eyes were the color of the Earth, God's most incredible creation. He could've died of embarrassment. But the man managed a frail chuckle and answered that Castiel's eyes were as blue as the sky. 

Castiel had always believed that True Love was just a myth, something corporations developed to sell candy and jewelry on Valentine's Day. But when his eyes locked on Dean's, Castiel felt his whole world flip upside down. His heart grew three sizes just like the Grinch's did when the Whos sang carols on that stolen Christmas morning. When Castiel stared at Dean, he knew that his life would never be the same again, and he could only thank God over and over and over.

In joy, Castiel hugged the man and peppered him with questions. 'What's your name? Where are you from? Why were you fighting with Alastair?'

It was enough to make the man dizzy. But he was able to state his name: Dean. Dean. Castiel would always remember how he tasted the name on his tongue, how perfect it sounded, how delicious it was. Dean. Dean. He introduced himself and his brothers, still enjoying the delicacy that was Dean. Dean. 

Dean asked where they were taking him. Castiel responded that they were almost at the hospital. In his arms Castiel could feel Dean go rigid.

'Just take me home. I'll be fine.' 

'No, you need to see a doctor.' 

'No, I don't.' 

'You were almost beaten to death!' 

'I've had worse.' 

'So then the hospital should be no big deal for a tough guy like you.'

'It isn't!' 

'It is a big deal, isn't it?' 

'No it's not!'

'STOP BICKERING LIKE AN OLD MARRIED COUPLE!'

Castiel and Dean both couldn't contain a snicker when Gabriel shouted that at them.

When they got to the hospital, Castiel carried Dean in his arms as if he were a small child. He didn't know where this strength was coming from; he attributed it to God and the power of Love. It was his destiny to save Dean. Of this he was certain.

Inside the building, nurses and attendants rushed to bring them a gurney. Castiel gingerly lowered Dean onto the bed. Before he could finish covering him with blankets, the nurses were shoving him away. But Dean grabbed a hold of Castiel's arm and held on for dear life. 

'My husband stays with me or I'm gone. I mean it.' 

Husband. Of course, Castiel knew why Dean had said that. The staff would not let them stay together otherwise. Still, the word husband sounded almost as delectable as the name Dean. Like love, marriage had been very abstract and unattainable before. Now, the music of Dean calling him his husband was a drug that Castiel had become addicted to, and he liked this disease.

In the treatment room, doctors and nurses pushed Castiel aside as they shined lights in Dean's eyes, pressed on injured spots and asked him even more questions than Castiel had in the car. It was agony to Castiel to be forced to separate from Dean, even if it was for his own good. Each time the staff members shoved Castiel back, Dean moved his battered body around to try to find Castiel again. Once he did, another nurse would block their view, and he would have to maneuver himself all over again.

Then, one of the nurses held a needle over his hand. Dean thrashed his arm to keep her away. The doctors and nurses grabbed him and tried to pin him down, but he refused to be still. Despite the pain he was in, he could still put up one hell of a fight. Castiel's heart broke right in two as he watched Dean struggle for freedom. It hurt worse knowing that he was the one who brought him here, and now he could do nothing for the man with the eyes of the earth.

'Cas!' Croaked a fragile voice. 

Doctors and nurses and protocol be damned, Castiel raced over to Dean's bedside. He wasn't sure how he could help, but that wasn't going to stop him. Something about Castiel's presence calmed Dean in an instant. As he relaxed, the nurses and doctors loosened their grips on him. The whole situation deescalated in the few seconds it took Castiel and Dean to reunite. 

Still, Castiel wished that he could do more for Dean. But what? Of course, he was sure that a big, tough, handsome man like Dean would not want his hand held or anything mushy like that. 

Castiel placed his hand on Dean's shoulder. Although he kept a straight face, on the inside Castiel was swooning at how strong Dean was, how broad and firm his shoulders were. Thank God Gabriel and Balthazar were watching TV in the waiting room. If they had been there to see this, Castiel's cat would have been out of the proverbial bag. 🐱

To Castiel's surprise, this small show of support and affection was not to put his friend at ease.

Dean lifted his bruised hand up just a little and opened his fingers. Touched, Castiel offered Dean his hand. Electricity coursed through Castiel's body as their fingers laced together. Until now, he'd thought that feeling was just another fable in the mythical annals of love. Never in his life had he ever been more wrong. 

'Hey.' Really? That was the best Castiel could come up with?

'Hey.' Dean gave him a pained smile.

'Everything's gonna be alright, you know. There's nothing to be scared of.'

Dean nodded his head towards the needle. 'I don't need it.'

Castiel turned to the nurse. 'Does he really need the IV?'

'If I've ever seen anyone that does.'

Letting his guard down at last, Dean shivered.

'I hate needles.'

'I know it sucks, but you need it to get better.'

'I'll be fine without it.'

Castiel squeezed his hand.

'Please Dean. Do it for me.' 

With caution, Dean's eyes shifted to the needle, then back to Castiel. 'Don't leave me.' 

'I promise I won't.' 

A woman's voice. 'Okay Dean, you're going to feel a little pinch.'

Dean closed his eyes and leaned closer to his new friend. Castiel whispered a prayer as the nurse stuck the needle under Dean's skin. The bones in Castiel's fingers creaked as Dean's death grip tightened with each second that passed until the nurse connected with the vein in his hand. It surprised Castiel that Dean was tough enough to endure a beating from the evil Alastair without complaint and yet be so afraid of a needle. It was endearing. Dean had a lot of layers to him, and Castiel hoped he would someday unravel them.

The medicine they injected into Dean's IV, coupled with the stress of his fear and his injuries, lulled him into a fitful sleep. Much to the chagrin of the medical staff, Castiel refused to leave Dean's side. Castiel had no intention of breaking his oath to Dean. Even if he wanted to, Dean still was still holding onto him. He would not be the one to let go. 

Castiel stayed put as the nurses and doctors treated Dean. They taped bandages to him and iced his bruises. They shot medicines into his tubes. Castiel's stomach churned as they sewed Dean's torn skin shut, and he could no longer watch. 

Gabriel and Balthazar called him crazy and headed for home. They could not understand his devotion to a complete stranger. As he watched Dean sleep, glancing at his heart monitor every so often, Castiel could not quite comprehend it either. But he could not abandon Dean. He wouldn't. 

'You stayed with me.' 

Several hours later, Castiel stretched his stiff body, never letting go of Dean's hand. 'I promised I would.' 

'No one's ever done anything like this for me before.' 

'I'll always be here for you if you ever need me.'

'I think I'm in love with you.'

'I feel like I've loved you my whole life.'


	4. No Longer Alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can Dean really do the unthinkable to Castiel?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost 900 hits... I cannot thank you all enough. I am so blessed to be a part of such a wonderful fandom family. God bless you all!!
> 
> I dreamed of being a writer since I was a little girl but I would never have imagined I'd ever get 900 hits. Thank you all so much!!
> 
> ✌ 💘 🙏

Dean's shaking hand at long last gave out. The gun crashed onto the floor with a loud whump. Dean's head fell on Castiel's chest in sadness and shame. Anguished sobs tore through his entire body like a torrential storm. With the final remnants of his strength, Castiel threw his sore arms around Dean and hugged him with all of his might. Jack ran over to them, and they pulled him into their embrace. 

Deep in his heart, Dean thanked God over and over that he had stopped himself in time. He thanked God that he had not pulled that trigger. He thanked God that He was giving him another chance. Now, he had the opportunity to make things right with Castiel.

Sure, it might take some time. Castiel would need space. Maybe he would stay with Balthazar for a while. But Dean could win him back. Yes. Dean would take Castiel out to nice restaurants and buy him sentimental gifts. They could take family trips to Dollywood and Disney. Dean would swear off women and prove how devoted he was to Castiel. Yes. He had made the right choice in dropping the gun. Dean and Castiel would be back together again in no time.

But, in that moment, Dean clutched the love of his life and mourned over the consequences of the wicked mistakes he'd made. It was as if nothing else existed apart from Dean, Castiel and their broken bond. Dean had no way of seeing what was coming because he was stuck in the sands of what he'd done.

Sirens wailed in the distance. Tires groaned in the mud and the puddles. Rain and the wind howled like wolves. Dean's and Jack's sobs masked one last shallow breath. Unbeknownst to them, these sounds were making up the soundtrack of the destruction of everything that the Winchesters held dear. 

Because of all of the emotions he was experiencing, it took Dean a few moments to realize that he was no longer feeling Castiel's chest moving up and down against his head. But he became very aware of it when Castiel's arms went slack and fell from their embrace. When he did, a horror he'd never felt in his whole miserable life swept over him. With more gentility this time, he pushed Jack back to give himself some room to tend to his love.

"Cass?" Dean cried out. He pressed his ear to Castiel's heart and a hand to his mouth. The nothingness was as enormous as an elephant. "CASS?? CASTIEL!" 

Dean racked his mind for what his father had taught him about CPR all those years ago. He pushed his palms as hard as he could against Castiel's chest in desperate thrusts. Castiel's body bobbed up and down, and his chest inflated when Dean breathed into his mouth. Dean was sure he heard some cracking ribs, a sign he was doing it right. 

Any time Dean needed help, Castiel always told him to turn to God. Before he met Castiel, Dean had never been the praying type. He thought God was too busy to care about his problems, if He even existed. But Castiel was devout, and it seemed as though God almost always answered his prayers. 

So, as Dean slammed his hands into Castiel's heart, Dean begged, "God, don't let him die. God, don't let him die. Bring him back to me. Please."

Nevertheless, despite Dean's efforts, Castiel showed no signs of life.

"No," Dean whimpered. "Cass! Please. Don't leave me." 

He waited for Castiel to say 'I promise I won't', but the words never came.

Dean's heart shattered into a million pieces as he scooped Castiel into his arms and pressed him to his chest. He buried his head into Castiel's shoulder and allowed his tears to fall with complete freedom. Across the room, he could hear Jack crying as well. But the boy did not approach him, and he was thankful for that. In this moment, Dean could think of nothing else but Castiel.

How would Dean carry on without Castiel? Was there even any point in doing so? How could he have been so cruel to Castiel, the kindest, most loving person he'd ever known in his life? Why didn't he throw Jo's number in the trash that night at the bar? Castiel would still be alive if he hadn't been so weak.

In all of his messed up life, Dean had never felt pain like this. His chest throbbed. His head was spinning, and it was making him dizzy. His lungs had shriveled up like raisins, and he could not catch his breath. He never thought he'd ever be able to stop crying. And maybe that was okay. Considering what he'd done, he did not deserve to feel better.

An army of police officers swarmed into the living room and descended on Dean like hornets who'd just had their nest smacked with a baseball bat. They were all speaking at the same time, asking what had happened, reading his Miranda rights, checking for other weapons. Even with so many of them, they had a hard time prying Castiel out of Dean's grasp. Even as they cuffed his hands behind his back, he was still reaching for the love of his life. 

Jack rushed towards Dean as the cops led him out the door. His uncle Gabriel held him back, while his uncle Balthazar attempted to block his view of the impending arrest. It took a bear hug-hold to keep the hysterical boy away from the parent who had murdered his father, the parent he would continue to love without condition. 

Dean knew he would never forget the look of hatred and betrayal he saw in Gabriel's eyes as he was forced to restrain his nephew. His usually playful face was twisted with anger and hurt. The skin around his eyes was pink, but he was fighting back his tears. 

Even worse to behold was Balthazar. Dean had always liked Balthazar. He was a playboy who lived every day as if he were a resident of the playboy mansion. Never before had he seen Balthazar without a mischievous smile on his face. Tonight, it had been replaced by a broken frown. His dark eyes were absent, as if his mind were anywhere but there. 

Castiel would have hated to see his happy-go-lucky brother Balthazar in such a state.

Outside, the police had set up a perimeter around the house. Yellow crime scene tape separated soaking wet spectators from the spectacle. Castiel's older brother, Michael, held their sisters Naomi and Anna as they sobbed and shook in the grief and the cold. The girls were pitiful and terrifying as they screamed at him, their drenched dark hair clinging to their pretty faces. Michael glared at him in such a way that Dean suspected Michael might just attack him right then and there, police be damned. Michael was a tough son-of-a-bitch, but he wasn't stupid. He remained with his sisters, but he would get his revenge, no doubt.

As the cops led him to a cruiser, Dean's body gave out. He was physically and emotionally exhausted, and he could no longer stand it. Dean fell to his knees in a muddy puddle. Rain pelted him as the officers lifted him back to his feet. But it was like trying to pick up a dead weight. Without the most important person in his life, Dean was no longer alive.


	5. The Verdict

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean stands trial for Castiel's murder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1100 hits is way more than I could ever have dreamed of. Thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart. 
> 
> If Destiel is not how they justify Castiel going to the Empty I don't know how I'll handle it. Destiel must be endgame canon. 
> 
> Thank you thank you thank you!! 🎃🎃🎃

"Has the jury reached a verdict?" 

The judge leaned towards the foreman. Around the county jail, the men had nicknamed the judge 'the Fourth Horseman.'In part, it was because of his terrible name: Judge Death. Mostly it was because he never hesitated to sentence a defendant to capital punishment. He was always eager to bring about the end of life.

Judge Death was not an unattractive man. He had no scars, and he had pretty brown hair and warm eyes. He dressed smooth and classy in fancy suits. It made him look like he was a member of the Dilinger gang in the 1930s. Yet, there was something very intimidating about the way he carried himself. His voice was cool and calm and eerie. He relished his power and felt untouchable because of it. 

Sam had tried cases in front of Judge Death before, with little success. Despite his excellent case record with other judges, it had always seemed like Death thirsted for the blood of his clients. Of course, Sam had given his all in his defense of his brother. He'd gotten every witness to admit that Dean and Castiel were very much in love, and that Dean had fallen into a deep depression since the murder. 

If there were any high points in the trial for the defense, it would have been Anna's testimony. Just like Naomi and Anael, Anna had been called upon by the Prosecutor to attest to the violence she'd witnessed Dean perpetrate against Castiel. While Naomi had come across as almost robotic in her honesty and Anael very theatrical, Anna was emotional and sympathetic. In order to undermine her credibility, Sam knew he would have to go for the jugular. 

'Anna, you testified earlier that Castiel would come to your house with black eyes and lacerations on his face?'

'Yes.'

'Did he say that Dean had done it?'

' No. But we knew.'

'So, you knew Dean had done it, even though Castiel denied it?'

'We weren't born yesterday. We knew he wasn't boxing against Muhammad Ali.'

' Given your suspicion, did you and your brothers and sisters talk to him about breaking up with Dean?'

'Yes, but he wouldn't even consider it... Until he found out about Dean and Jo.'

'Why didn't you ever notify the police?'

'Castiel was a grown man! I had no right!' Anna protested.

Sam went in for the kill, his voice louder and more forceful with confidence. 'Castiel may have been a consenting adult, but your nephew, Jack, was in the house. Jack was witnessing this alleged violence, and you did nothing to protect him! Isn't that true, Anna?'

'I... Castiel wanted...'

'It doesn't matter what Castiel wanted! You and your family could have intervened... If not for Castiel, than on Jack's behalf! But you didn't, did you, Anna?'

'NO, I DIDN'T!' Anna bellowed. 

'Was it because your allegations of abuse are exaggerated?'

'No!' She protested.

'Was it because you weren't that worried about the safety of your brother and your nephew?'

'I... I...' Anna stammered. 'I don't know.'

Not wanting to bully a grieving sister, Sam backed off. He offered her a glass of water, which she accepted. He gave her an apologetic smile. He did not want to hurt Anna or any of Castiel's siblings. All he wanted to do was save Dean.

'How tall was Castiel?'

'6" I'd say.'

'And Dean is 6"1'. They wear the same clothing size; is that right?'

'Yes. They used to share clothes.' 

'So, it isn't that Dean was physically overpowering Castiel, is it? If Castiel wanted to, he could have fought back?'

' Castiel used to be one of the finest soldiers in his garrison. He could've killed Dean with one hand if he wanted to.' 

'So, why didn't he, Anna? Why didn't he defend himself when he was being attacked?'

She sniffled. 'He loved Dean too much to hurt him.'

Although Sam had manipulated Anna into downplaying the severity of their fights, it was still an uphill battle, and both brothers knew it. The prosecution had Jack as an eyewitness to the crime, as well as Naomi, Anael, Gabriel, Balthazar and Michael attesting to the abuse they witnessed their brother suffer. The physical evidence was overwhelming, from the unregistered gun to Castiel's blood on Dean's fists. 

At Sam's recommendation, Dean pleaded not guilty by reason of insanity. It was his best defense. From his history, his fear of abandonment would make him snap at the thought of losing Castiel. The psychologist they hired to examine Dean testified as such. There was no self defense, as Castiel would never have done anything to hurt Dean. It was the only plausible explanation as to why Dean would destroy so many lives and dreams, including his own. 

Although it was undoubtedly the truth in Dean's case, the insanity plea was still a long shot. The jurors were avoiding Dean's eyes, and they had only deliberated for a few hours before reaching a verdict. Those were not good signs. It didn't help that southern laws stipulated that a murder charge could stick if, in the course of committing a felony, death of a victim occurred. The assault on Castiel led to his death, and that equalled murder in the eyes of the law.

"We have, Your Honor," answered the jury foreman. He handed a folded piece of paper to the bailiff, who passed it on to the judge.

"Will the defendant please rise?" The bailiff instructed. Sam and Dean obeyed.

"We the jury in the above titled case, find the defendant, Dean Winchester, guilty of Capital Murder in the death of Castiel Winchester," Judge Death read aloud.

A collective gasp echoed across the room. Castiel's brothers and sisters exchanged quiet hugs and grateful tears. Journalists snapped photos and entered notes into their journals and tablets. 

Dean's arms shook so hard that they rattled the chains binding his hands and feet. It was not that it was a shock. He'd figured all along that it would turn out this way. To be honest, he'd only gone to trial for the sake of Sam and Jack. Even if the verdict had come in his favor, he would have still been guilty. He knew he would always carry this weight, and rightfully so.

Yet, the actual words were still a punch to the gut. The state acknowledged what he had done and was calling him out on it. People he did not know we're casting judgment upon him. Sam had failed (in his own mind at least), and the look of disappointment on his face added on to Dean's feelings of guilt. Jack was losing Dean in some way or another. Even though he'd found a home with his aunts and uncles, they could never fill Castiel and Dean's shoes. Castiel and Dean had stepped up from the moment his mother had died. Forever and all time, Castiel and Dean would be Jack's parents.

Then, there was the worst part of it all: '...the death of Castiel Winchester.' Any reminder of Castiel brought Dean more pain than he thought possible for a human to tolerate. Dean missed Castiel every moment of every day. He prayed to him all the time, hoping, somehow, that he could hear. He almost never slept or ate, and he'd lost a considerable amount of weight since the tragedy. Jack had been kind enough to mail Dean a family photo in the county jail, and Dean spent his days and nights just staring at it, willing himself to recall every detail of his beloved Castiel.

Dean wanted to be found guilty. He wanted to burn for what he'd done to Cass. He never wanted to feel joy again. Without Castiel there to make him smile, it was a safe bet that he never would anyhow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may come back and rework this a little more. I didn't realize how short this chapter was, so I added to it. But now it feels a bit choppy. I really hope you all liked it. The following chapters are longer and much less choppy.
> 
> Thank you all so much again!!


	6. Sam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What Sam experiences directly after the verdict.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DESTIEL IS FINALLY CANON!! I AM SO HAPPY AND HEARTBROKEN AT THE SAME TIME!! 
> 
> If anyone writes a story where Dean tells Castiel he loves him before Cass dies, please I need to read it!!
> 
> 1376 hits on this story!! Thank you all so so much!! I feel more and more blessed each time I log on to AO3!! God bless you all!!
> 
> Happy Birthday to Justin in Heaven 11/6/88-10/5/16 I love and miss you always!!

The judge scheduled the sentencing hearing for the following day, and Dean was escorted out of the courtroom. Sam followed the paddy wagon to the county jail and arranged for the use of a consultation room. Sam had always hated coming to the jail. Even as a visitor, the snapping of the locks made him feel super claustrophobic. He never understood how his clients could bear it, never tasting the rain and the snow in an open meadow, never being able to escape barbed wired walls and armed guards. 

In law school, Sam had no intention of pursuing criminal defense law. He thought he would be a prosecutor, responsible for keeping the public safe. Or maybe he would become a divorce or personal injury attorney and live a comfortable life with no financial concerns. 

God had other plans for Sam. Not long after the tragic death of his girlfriend Jess, Sam met Ruby. Ruby had dragged herself up from the pits of Hell. She had served time in juvenile hall for a small part she'd played in a robbery. Had it not been for a friend throwing her to the wolves 🐺 in exchange for his freedom, she would not have been incarcerated. But, while locked up, she earned her diploma with honors and acceptance into college. 

Ruby was proof that the system had its flaws and that good people in bad trouble needed help. Because of Ruby, Sam chose to focus on defending the accused. The money wasn't great, but he felt good to be serving vulnerable people. 

He felt good to be giving others the second chance at life that Ruby had given him. After Jessica died, he thought he had endured more loss than he could bear. But Ruby's kindness, love and tenacity had glued the pieces of Sam's broken heart back together. It was his goal in life to make her proud and happy, and to return the blessings her love had bestowed upon him.

Sam enjoyed arguing cases before a jury. He liked using word play and the occasional smokescreen to achieve his desired outcome. But he still could not stand visiting this God forsaken place.

Even though they had never been very close, Sam's stomach twisted every time he saw a guard leading a shackled Dean to and fro. Growing up, Dean had been his role model. Back then, Dean always did the right thing, or what he thought was right at least. Sam could not fathom how it had come to this. 

And, Sam had always adored Castiel. He considered him family from the moment they'd met. He thought him a perfect match for Dean, and he was happy to see his brother had found someone so special. It made no sense. How could Dean have beaten Castiel to death? Castiel, who fed stray kittens in the street. Castiel, who was such an excellent beekeeper that his bees never stung him and whose honey was the most delicious in town. Castiel, who brought Ruby a bouquet of sunflowers 🌻 and a homemade pineapple upside down cake at the hospital after the birth of their son. Castiel, who'd raised Jack to be such a fine, loving young man, in spite of the emotional distance of his own father, cult novelist Chuck Shirley?

Yeah, Sam got it. He'd argued it in front of the court. Dean could not stand the thought of losing Castiel. But the jury did not accept that any more than he did. Because, Dean had lost Castiel in the worst possible way; Dean had thrown Castiel's life away. Obviously Dean could survive without Castiel, or else he would have stopped himself before he'd killed him. 

The guard slammed the door behind him as he stepped out. Sam loosened his tie. The room seemed so much more uninviting. Dean's hands were still unsteady as he adjusted his restraints and tried to make himself comfortable on the hard metal chair. Seeing that did not put Sam any more at ease. 

Ordinarily, Sam and Dean would shoot the breeze for a while. It was their way of pretending that things were somewhat normal. But Sam was all business now. He could not stand this place another minute. After the ordeal of the guilty verdict, Sam wanted nothing more than to watch the Dallas game and split a six pack and a cold pizza with Ruby. 

"You have to write a statement," Sam advised, sliding a legal pad and pen across the table. 

Dean glanced at the paper for a second, then shook his head and returned the items to his brother. "No."

"Dean…"

"I said, 'no', Sam! I am not going to spill my soul in front of a whole bunch of strangers who don't give a damn about me or my family!" Dean shouted.

"You're facing the death penalty, Dean!" Sam pleaded. "Showing the judge how much remorse you feel might just save your life!"

"If they can't see how much I miss Cass, then that's their problem. It's not mine." 

Cass. It was like a bullet to the chest, only worse. It caused him agonizing pain, but it was not enough to kill him. He slammed his fists against the table, startling Sam and making him jump. 

"I know you miss Cass. Even Gabriel and Michael know you miss Cass. Look, all I'm asking you to do is write about how much Cass meant to you and how sorry you are," Sam whispered.

"No."

Sam's anger grew right alongside Dean's stubborn resolve. "Do you really think this is what Cass would want? For you to get the lethal injection?" Dean winced. "If Cass were here, he would want you to keep on fighting!!"

"Well Cass isn't here! And that's on me!" Dean growled.

Awareness smacked Sam in the face like an open palm. "You want them to sentence you to death." Dean avoided his eyes, a sure tell that Sam was correct. "You don't want to live without Cass. You think you deserve to die." Dean did not respond. Shaking his head, Sam packed up his belongings. "No. You may not want to try, but I'm not going to give up on you, even if you've given up on yourself."

Sam pounded on the door and demanded to be let out. One guard freed him, while another led Dean back to his cell. For once, Sam did not even look back. He was too upset to deal with Dean right now.

On the ride home, he blasted music as loud as the radio would play. He leaned in closer and paid attention to every detail of the road. He would not allow his mind to consider Dean's cowardice for another second. 

At home, Sam took Ruby to bed. As they made love, Sam released all of the twisted emotions coursing through him in the healthiest way he could think of. In Ruby's arms, he felt safe and loved. Against her soft body, he could be rough and physical, but never so much as to hurt her. When she moaned, he finally felt as though he could accomplish something positive for the people he cared about. As Sam floated on the high from his endorphins, he knew that he would succeed in saving Dean the next day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am a huge Jared/Gen Sam/Ruby shipper. I love them together. And I'm a huge fan of Gen Padalecki currently obsessed with Wildfire lol 🐎 💘 ✌ 🦃


	7. Statements Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack, Michael and Anna share their victim statements with the court.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!!
> 
> I really like this chapter and was super eager to post it. I hope you like it!!
> 
> Destiel is finally canon. 
> 
> I just love being able to say that!! 
> 
> God bless!! ✝ 📿 🙏

"Jack Kline?" The judge called out.

A hush fell on the packed courtroom as Jack approached the witness box. He did not look at anyone as he walked, and he seemed to be trying to make himself smaller and less noticeable. Yet, he was impossible to ignore, with those bright golden eyes and almost supernatural beauty. To his chest he clutched a folded piece of paper. His movements intrigued the journalists, who jotted down notes and snapped photographs.

When Jack was seated, Judge Death instructed, "You may proceed, Mr. Kline."

Jack opened the piece of paper and read, "Anytime I did something bad and Dean and Cass punished me, I would ask them if they still loved me. Castiel always said, 'You can still love someone and not like what they did. That's what love actually is: understanding that people are imperfect and being able to accept them and treat them with kindness.'" Jack lowered the page away from his face. His glossy eyes met Dean's. "Dean, I really hate what you did. I miss my dad so much; it hurts all the time. It was wrong of you to take Castiel away from us. But I will always love you." 

Ashamed and emotional, Dean looked away from Jack. His son's words were beautiful and devastating. Castiel had raised such a fine young man. Dean wouldn't take credit for it. Jack was wonderful because of Cass and Cass alone. At such a young age, Jack had a grasp of true forgiveness as God had intended it. 'Cass would be so proud.' The knot in Dean's stomach dug in deeper. 

Although Jack had always sought Dean's love and acceptance, in all honesty, Dean had never cared for Jack as much as Cass had. He'd justified it as Jack and Castiel being blood relatives. He and the boy did not share that same connection. But that wasn't the whole truth. Dean thought that there was an inherent evil in Jack because of how awful his biological father was. He believed that Jack manipulated Cass. Yes, that was so.

More than anything else, though, Dean resented Jack for taking some of Castiel's attention away from him. 

Yet, despite Dean's distance towards Jack, Jack still loved him enough to forgive the unforgivable. Sam even dared to hope that Jack's compassion just might have been enough to persuade the court to spare Dean's life. Qué sera sera. What really mattered was that Jack finally had Dean's pride, if he even still craved the respect of a treacherous murderer. 

Jack returned to his seat amongst the spectators. His aunt Anna placed her arm around him, and he leaned closer to her. His eyes still searched for Dean's, but Dean did not turn around.

"Michael Shirley," Judge Death called.

Wearing the most callous scowl on his handsome face, Michael sat down in the witness box. He commanded Dean's attention with his vengeful stare. Castiel always used to say that there were very eerie similarities between Dean and Michael: the color of their short hair, the seriousness of their stares, the ferocity of their attitudes. Since Dean and Michael never got along, neither of them liked hearing that. But, listening to Michael speak, and watching his defensive body language, Dean had to concede the fact that they were very much alike, albeit much too little, much too late. 

"If my brother Castiel was here, he would beg you to show Dean mercy. He'd probably try to get you guys to release Dean on probation. Make him do community service or something like that. It wouldn't have mattered to Castiel that he murdered him. My brother loved this self loathing heap of booze and broads with all his heart, and he believed everyone could be saved by God. You've seen a piece of Castiel in my nephew, Jack," Michael asserted. "But, I am not my brother. I will never forgive Dean Winchester for what he's done. Frankly, I think the lethal injection is too good for him. I'd like to see you guys let me and my brothers do to him what he did to Castiel. Let's see how he likes it."

Castiel had been right, as always. Michael and Dean thought the same way. Nobody should have forgiven Dean's sin, not Jack or anybody else. Michael understood what Dean deserved: to suffer.

Michael stomped back to the spectator's area and rejoined his family. Raphael and Uriel patted him on the shoulders. They shot menacing looks Dean's way, and he returned the gesture.

Dean hated Raphael and Uriel. They had no business being there. All of the journalists and the prosecution were always doting on the poor grieving brothers. Nobody brought up how Uriel threatened Castiel when Cass fell in love with Dean. Nobody talked about the terrible beating Raphael had given Castiel when Castiel refused to obey Raphael as family patriarch. No. The media saw them as the victims, and that was that. 

"Anna Milton," Judge Death said. 

Once she was seated, Anna opened up her sketch pad. Before she spoke, she shot a vengeful glare right at Sam and Dean. It gave them the chills, as if someone had quite actually walked over their graves.

In her quiet voice, Anna recited, "I was Castiel's big sister. He was always coming to me for advice. Most of the time, I wouldn't tell him exactly what I thought. I would try to guide him, but, ultimately, the decision would be his. I wish to God I would have told him to stay away from Dean Winchester, like our brothers did.

"Castiel," Anna continued, clasping her hands together and looking up to the ceiling. "I was a bad sister to you. I should have told you while you were still here. But I am going to be the sister you deserve, right now." She swallowed hard. "Dean and I slept together." A collective gasp of surprise echoed around the room. People whispered amongst themselves. The judge banged the gavel and demanded silence.

"I disrespected my husband. I shamed my family. But worst of all, I betrayed Castiel. And if anyone in the world did not deserve to be hurt like this, it was Castiel. I'm so sorry for what I've done. I have felt terrible about it for years. But Dean has never shown any regret for his actions. He's a dirty dog, and, for what he did to my brother, he should be put down just like a dog."

Cold and callous. Anna hadn't always been that way. When he'd first met her, she'd been sweet and shy. It was only after Dean refused to leave Cass for her that she'd changed. Still, he would have never thought that she would want him dead, not over their meaningless liaison from so very long ago.

Anna had dealt him a devastating blow. True, he didn't care very much what sort of sentence the judge imposed on him. But he did not want Sam and Jack to know about him and Anna. It was painful for Dean to look at Sam after the bomb was dropped, but he willed himself to turn to his brother.

Exasperation in his sad, dark eyes, Sam murmured, "You slept with Anna?!?!"


	8. The Affair with Anna

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean reminisces about his affair with Anna.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1703 hits! This is so exciting!! Thank you all so so much!! I am so very blessed!!
> 
> This chapter was inspired by 4x10 "Heaven and Hell". It's one of my favorites!! 
> 
> Destiel is canon!! Still feels great!!
> 
> Please enjoy!! 🦃

On knees that felt like jelly, Dean wiggled in place. The Priest placed a hand on his shoulder every so often to steady him, but it did nothing to calm his nerves. They were all just lucky Dean wasn't vomiting all over the chapel. His white dress shirt was soaked in sweat beneath the black jacket. 

Marriage had always terrified Dean. The thought of being tied down to one person was unnatural. He never understood how Sam could be happy sleeping with Ruby every night for the rest of his life. There were millions of people out there and billions of experiences to undertake. Monogamy meant the end to exploration and the beginning of monotony.

In his heart of hearts, Dean had never conquered his fear of commitment. Maybe he never would. But he knew one thing for certain.

Dean Winchester could not live without Castiel. Dean had needed Castiel from the moment he woke up in his warm arms and gazed into his sky blue eyes. He needed him when he was happy, and when he was sad, and when he was sick. He needed him for all time. 

If marriage meant never losing Castiel, then, Dean would be fine saying 'here comes the bride.' 👰 

It hadn't been the most spectacular proposal. Dean hadn't gotten down on one knee in front of St. Patrick's Cathedral, though Lord knew Castiel deserved as much. It was Thanksgiving night. 🦃 Castiel had just finished cleaning up the cakes and cookies he'd served their brothers and sisters. He was covered in frosting and dish soap and gravy. He was a mess, but Dean loved him most when he was at his silliest.

'I never said what I was most grateful for. You.' Castiel had beamed. Dean had removed a tiny velvet box from his pocket and opened it, revealing a smooth gold band. Castiel had gasped. 'I love you Castiel. I need you. I want to be with you always. Will you marry me?'

'You know I will.'

Planning the wedding had brought Castiel so much joy. It didn't give him much time, but he'd wanted a Christmas wedding. With limited time and finances, he had worked real wonders. The church and the reception hall were decorated with garlands, poinsettias, Holly and mistletoe. Live Christmas trees filled the air with the scent of balsam and cedar. Snowflakes danced from the ceilings. Santa's and snowmen waved as the guests arrived. Castiel had created a true winter wonderland. 

The pianist began to play. Per Castiel's request, they would be marching along to instrumental versions of Christmas carols. Sam escorted Ruby, Michael accompanied Anael, Balthazar walked with Anna and Gabriel went with Naomi to the altar to the sweet sounds of "Silver Bells". 

Then, the pianist played the music to John Lennon's "Happy Xmas". It was Castiel's favorite Christmas song. Dean's heart raced a triathlon as Castiel appeared in the doorway, escorted by his parents, Chuck and Amara Shirley.

As they walked down the aisle, Dean recalled the night they'd met once again. Dean had thought that Castiel was an honest to God angel on earth. 👼He was so kind and purely good, and his eyes were as blue as the heavens.

Now, watching Castiel approach him, wearing his finest military dress uniform and bearing a smile so brilliant that even his eyes were sparkling, Dean thought that he had never seen anything more beautiful in all his days. He wanted to tear Castiel away from Amara. Dean wanted to hold Castiel as close as he could and never let go.

'Will you, Dean Winchester, take Castiel Shirley as your lawfully wedded husband?'

'I will.'

'Will you, Castiel Shirley, take Dean Winchester as your lawfully wedded husband?'

'I will.'

'Then by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you as husband and husband.' 

Each table in the reception hall had its own little white Christmas tree. A small bar offered up whiskey and beer. Waiters served hamburgers, steaks, fish and chicken, as well as vegetarian garbage for Sam. Champagne flowed like water. Everybody was laughing and enjoying the party. 

Castiel was glowing as he greeted friends and family and indulged on Christmas cookies. Dean had never seen his husband so happy. He was glad to have been able to please the person he loved most in this world. 

But Dean was glowing for another reason. He'd lost count of how many drinks he'd had. It seemed one friend or another kept showing up with another shot of smooth Tennessee whiskey. 

The DJ played an uptempo hip hop song. Women crowded the dance floor. Some were rubbing against their beaux, while others needed nothing but the music. 

Anna was the second kind. Dean could not tear his eyes away from her. She had on a skin tight black dress that left so little to the imagination that Dean was surprised she'd had the nerve to wear it in church. Her breasts and butt bounced to the beat, and her long red hair swirled like a ballerina's tutu. Every so often, she would glimpse at Dean from the corner of her eye and pout her lips in a seductive way.

It had been a long time since Dean had been with a woman. Oh, he loved Castiel, and he had no intention of ever living without him. But Dean still found himself very attracted to women. And there was something so tantalizing about Anna's movements. It was enough to drive Dean wild.

At some point, Gabriel grabbed a hold of Dean's shoulder and asked him to come to the bar. The boys were watching the Dallas game and wanted him to join. Stealing one last glance at Anna, Dean followed his new brother-in-law to check the football scores. 

A few weeks after the wedding, Dean decided to go to a tavern. He'd had a stressful day and needed to unwind. Castiel had gone out of town to visit with Uriel and Raphael, who'd been unable to get time off of work for the wedding. Dean hated it when Castiel went away. He missed him something awful and felt so lonesome. He'd asked Sam to go with him, but Ruby was very sick in the early stages of her pregnancy and could not be left alone. 

So, Dean's only company was a shot glass and an uninterested, married bartender: until a thin woman with red hair sat down beside him. Dean grinned when he saw Anna. He bought her a few piña coladas, and they talked. 

Anna was having trouble in her marriage. Mr. Milton was a good man, but she was not meant to be a preacher's wife. The women of the church looked to her as the image of holiness. But she could not live up to their high expectations, no matter how hard she tried. She loved God, but she could not serve Him with her whole heart like her husband could. 

Somebody across the bar put a quarter in the jukebox, and a country-rock song blasted around the room. Excited, Anna took Dean by the hand and led him on to the dance floor. Dean's temperature began to rise as Anna rubbed her body against his. He remembered how seductive she was in that slinky black dress at the wedding. Now, in those tight jeans that hugged her hips and the low cut sweater, her tiny hands sliding up and down his rock hard abs, he found her irresistible. In her eyes he could see the desire, and he could almost taste it when she nibbled on her lower lip.

They dashed out of the bar and into the back seat of the Impala. The wrongness of what they were doing seemed to make it all the more thrilling. Anna tore off her clothes as Dean kissed her from her neck on down. Her nimble fingers undid his belt as his fingers tickled just the right spot. His entire body shivered as she teased him with her tongue. Dean squeezed her hand as she pleased him.

Castiel could not have been any further from their minds, despite their bonds to him. They never stopped to consider how their behavior would break his heart. They were concerned with nothing but themselves as steam rose up the windows of the Impala. 

Anna moaned as Dean made love to her. The sound of a woman's delighted scream recharged Dean like a battery. He'd forgotten how much he enjoyed the softness of a woman's skin, the sweet smell of her hair, the plumpness of her breasts. It was invigorating.

It was not that Dean liked Anna so much. She was nice when she wanted to be, but she could be very cold and manipulative as well. Nor was it that she was a particularly great lover. Their tryst had been good, but not like it had been with Cassie or Lisa. 

Not to mention, if he'd had his choice of lovers, Dean would have picked the much more beautiful Anael. But Anael was not an option. Anael glared at him or laughed in a mocking way when he attempted to gauge his chances with her. She was loyal to Castiel with all her heart, and she would never do anything to hurt him or shame herself. Not like Anna was willing to do.

And, of course, Dean hated himself for sleeping with his husband's sister, of all people. But sex with Anna was addictive for its forbidden-ness and for the sensuality she exuded every time she moved her thin body and shook her long red locks. 

Dean and Anna met up every Friday night at a motel just outside of town. At first, it was a fantastic arrangement. After they laid together, they would return to their spouses and carry on as if everything was fine. Nobody knew, and they were having their cake and eating it too. It was terrific. Until Anna started bringing up the prospect of leaving her husband and growing serious with Dean, that is.

When that happened, it had to end. Dean never had any intention of breaking up with Castiel. The thought had never even entered his mind. Dean loved Castiel more than anything else in the world. There was no way he was going to live without him. Even if he didn't have a great marriage with Cass, Dean did not love Anna. He would never pursue a relationship with her.

Anna accepted that. Though, she did not have much of a choice. There was no way she could blackmail Dean without screwing herself in the process. She could not tell Castiel the truth without ostracizing herself from her entire family. Nor could she even stand to think of how the church would react to her disgraceful infidelity. It was a lose-lose, but it was just desserts in light of what they'd done. 

Dean and Anna parted ways, and they never had another physical encounter again.


	9. Step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam's thoughts on Dean's affair with Anna.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading!! I am sorry it took so long to post. I have other chapters written but this one was requested. So it took me a little while especially with Thanksgiving and work.
> 
> I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!! 
> 
> The chapter title comes from the Salt and Pepa song "Step". There's a line in the song, "I can't believe it's over just for cheap sex." I think Sam would consider Anna and Dean's affair to be just like that. 😈
> 
> Thank you all so much again for your kindness and support. God bless you all! Please enjoy!! 🎄

When Sam was growing up, John Winchester never tired of pleading with Sam to be more like Dean. It seemed like he thought he could change his son by nagging him every chance he got. No matter what he did, Sam could never be as obedient as Dean, as loyal, as unquestioningly devoted. It was difficult to bear it. Hell, Sam had left home as soon as he could to escape the constant disappointment he caused his father.

Sometimes, Sam would resent Dean's perfection. Even as an adult, he'd still longed to be the good son that Dean was instead of the Prodigal Son he was. It hurt worse after their dad's death. In the Guilt stage of Grief, Sam had wished he would have tried harder to be like his older brother.

In his heart, though, Sam knew he could never be like Dean. Their minds worked in such different ways. Sam was analytical and prepared. Dean was emotional and impulsive. Sam was fine being ordinary. Dean had dreams of being remembered. Sam was very interested in holistic health. Dean balked at nutrition and psychology. 

It was John's aspiration that his sons would be like the sword to the whetstone. That they should make each other sharper and stronger: but that was not the case. They were fire and ice, beautiful and powerful in their own rights, but incompatible. 

Sam had always known that. For so long he had prayed for some of Dean's fire. But he could never ignite that same flame in himself. It used to bother him that he could not share such a strong bond with his brother such as the one the Shirley family enjoyed because of how unlike he and Dean were.

But, in that courtroom, as he listened to Anna Martin recount the details of their affair, Sam found himself thanking God that He had made him so dissimilar to his brother. The idea of sleeping with one of Ruby's sisters would never, ever even cross Sam's mind. Sam could never do anything to hurt Ruby, let alone something as awful as this. Sam believed that his purpose in life was to bring Ruby happiness. When she cried, he cried with her. When she laughed, he felt as though all was right with the world. 

Sam had never been more confused in all his life. Because, with all his heart and soul, he knew that Dean loved Castiel, Sam could not understand how Dean could sleep with Anna. In a twisted way, the murder made more sense than the affair. He killed him because his fear of living without him overtook him. But why would he hook up with Anna?

Was cheap sex worth risking his relationship with Castiel? Sam could not fathom it. Before Sam married Ruby, Dean used to run Sam about not getting enough action. But Sam valued sex. He couldn't mess around with someone he didn't care about. The sex had to mean something.

How could it mean anything with Anna? Even if it was the best sex of Dean's life, which Sam highly doubted, wouldn't all of the pleasure lose its worth when Castiel's broken heart came in to play? Was that not exactly what happened when he found out about Jo? Did Dean give any consideration to the consequences of his actions before he laid down with his spouse's sister?

Even in some crazy alternate universe where Sam would want to cheat on Ruby (which would never happen), he could never go through with it. The what ifs would eat at him. The affair wouldn't even be the worth headache it caused. 

Since he could not make heads or tails of how meaningless sex could matter that much to Dean to make him sink so low, Sam tried to figure out how Dean could do such hurtful things to Castiel. Sam was so certain that Dean loved Castiel. In childhood, Dean had constructed a brick wall around himself to keep others out and protect himself from getting hurt. Nobody ever got through it. Except for Castiel. Around Castiel, Dean expressed fear and sadness. Around Castiel, Dean allowed himself to be vulnerable. Castiel brought out a side of Dean that nobody else was ever able to see. Castiel was the best thing to ever happen to Dean. And nobody knew that better or was quicker to acknowledge it than Dean. For all of those reasons, it made no sense that Dean would want to do such malicious things to the most important person in his life. 

Sam searched for words to let out all of his conflicting emotions. But he could find nothing that did justice to the hurt and disappointment his brother had caused. So he just stared at his brother in exasperation and disbelief. Sam knew that Dean still valued his role as a big brother, and that letting Sam down would be a punch to his brother's chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was blessed to spend the most amazing weekend with the best friend that I love with all my heart. I really feel how Castiel felt in 15x18 when he said he loved Dean and that happiness isn't necessarily in having but just in saying it. But I am not as strong and kind as Castiel. I want to have my best friend, and it brought me more joy than anything else in the world when he said he loved me too.   
>  I just had to talk about this with my Supernatural family because i know you guys would understand. My friendship/relationship is just like Destiel: it's canon but I still want more. 💟


	10. Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gabriel, Anael and Balthazar give their victim's statements. Judge Death renders his sentence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Over 2000 hits on this story. I could not ask for a better Christmas gift. Thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart!! 
> 
> I'm sorry this took so long to post. I've been going through some things and I started writing another story to let the pain out. I will post that one only when it's complete, tho. It almost is.
> 
> Dean/Benny is also canon!! I had to include Benny in the story. I just love him and I love canon Denny as well!! 
> 
> Merry Merry Christmas everyone!! God bless you all!! 🎄🎅🦌🌲

The disappointment and anger in Sam's eyes were devastating. It was enough to drive Dean out of his skin. What was he if not for Sam's protector? Since he was four years old, his whole identity was constructed around his role as Sam Winchester's loyal big brother. Without Sam to guard, and with Castiel gone, who was Dean Winchester???

Still, he found himself feeling thankful that Anna had kept the secret for as long as she had. If Castiel would have found out before he passed, Dean would not have been able to handle his love's reaction. While letting Sam down upset Dean, nothing could ever hurt him as much as breaking Castiel's heart had. 

It surprised Dean that Anna had exposed them like that. She still faced most of the same risks as she had when they first agreed to keep their sins to themselves. A quick glimpse at Raphael and Michael and any one could tell that they were ready to tear her apart for her behavior. Her husband and church were sure to turn their backs on her. So, her desire for revenge must have trumped her common sense. Or, perhaps it was her guilty conscience that was eating her alive. Just like his was.

As Anna returned to her seat, the onlookers shot dirty looks at her. In Sam's opinion, her statement might have done more good for Dean than bad. After all, not many people would feel tremendous sympathy towards the grieving sister who slept with the victim's husband. Rational people wouldn't be likely to heed her call for blood.

Gabriel, the next speaker, was a different story. It was hard not to like Gabriel and even harder not to do as he wanted. And, today, he meant business. His playful eyes were dark with sadness. His smile was nowhere to be found. 

"Years ago, when my brothers and I were leaving a bar one night, we heard a man getting beaten up in an alley," Gabriel told them. "I begged Castiel not to get involved. Every day of my life, I wish he would have listened to me. Then Dean Winchester would be dead instead of my brother. But Castiel loved Dean too much, and look where it got him: the grave. Castiel loved the Bible, more than anyone I've ever known. Like Michael said, Castiel loved the parts about forgiveness. But I read the Bible too, and it says, 'An eye for an eye.' Castiel saved Dean's life, and Dean took Castiel's life. It seems like 'An eye for an eye' is the only fitting punishment for this crime."

Like Michael, Gabriel understood. For what Dean did, there could be only one reasonable reaction. But, like Anna's confession, Gabriel's recount of the night they all met hurt Dean in his heart. Oh, sure, it was true. Even Dean wished that Alastair would have killed him. If it would have turned out that way, Castiel would still be alive. 

But, had Dean not made Castiel happy for all those years? Didn't that mean something? Would Castiel have ever fallen in love if Dean had died? Castiel always said that they were soul mates. Dean still believed that with all his heart. Surely some of the Shirleys still thought yhst as well.

Anael took her place in the spotlight next. Dean had always liked Anael, even though she had made clear that the feeling was not mutual. She and Castiel had been very close because they were polar opposites. Anael loved being the center of attention, while Castiel enjoyed working the behind the scenes magic. 

It was easy for anybody to get why she was the life of every party. Anael was the most beautiful woman Dean had ever laid eyes on. Even now, with tears leaking from her caramel colored eyes and her long strawberry chestnut hair tied into a messy bun, all of the men in the courtroom did a double take as she walked by. Judge Death himself seemed to perk up at the sight of such a rare blossom. 

"I was not crazy about Dean Winchester when my brother first brought him home," Anael whispered. "I thought he was snarky, and he demanded so much of my brother without ever really appreciating him. And I am disgusted to learn that he slept with my sister, though I blame her more than I blame Dean." Anael scowled at Anna, who shifted in her seat. "But, I want to tell you a story that changed my mind about them and their relationship.

"We were hiking in the Smoky Mountains one day, Dean, Cass, me and my boyfriend, Benny. It was a crisp fall day, and we were so excited to see all the beautiful leaves. Castiel stepped a little too far out, and the earth kind of gave out under him. We all thought he was going to fall and break his neck. 

"Dean raced over to my brother and grabbed a hold of him before he tumbled off of the mountain. His determination to save Castiel was unlike anything I've ever seen. He held him on his own until Benny was able to help pull him back to safety. When he was steady on his feet, Dean pulled Castiel into the tightest hug; and he touched his face in such a tender way. Dean had the most grateful smile on his face.

"Yes, there was violence. Yes, the relationship was unhealthy. But Dean and Castiel were in love. There was so much love there. Dean made Castiel so happy. Of course, I think Dean should spend his life trying to atone for killing Castiel. But please, don't kill him. It's not what Cass would have wanted. And I don't want Jack to lose another father. I thank the court for its time." 

God bless Anael. That was why Castiel loved her so much. Although she could be crafty, seductive and self-serving, her heart was full of love, forgiveness and honesty. Throughout this whole ordeal, she'd been the only person to describe the love that Dean and Castiel shared. She'd been the only one to ask that they honor Castiel's wishes. 

Anael squeezed Sam's shoulder as she passed and flashed the Winchesters a soft smile that seemed to say, 'I hope I helped.' She had. She had been warm and open and not at all dramatic this time around. Sam just prayed that it was enough to persuade Judge Death, and Dean was just grateful that somebody still believed in his devotion to Castiel. 

The final person to address the court was Balthazar. Before he rose to his feet, he took a swig from the flask in the pocket of his jacket. Like Anael, Balthazar had always been the life of the party as well. But now he was drinking to drown the pain. His spunky spark was gone. The days when he used to be selfish and in constant search of sin were a thing of the past. 

Balthazar declared, "Castiel was my best friend. We've been close all our lives. Now, I've got to live the rest of my life without him. As you can see, I haven't figured out how to do that yet." He swallowed hard. His Adam's Apple bounced up and down. "I don't care what you do with Dean Winchester. You can execute him, or you can lock him up for life. It doesn't matter to me. Whatever you decide, it won't bring my brother back. So, do whatever my brothers and sisters want. Just make sure nobody forgets Castiel. I know I never will."

As Balthazar left the witness box, the judge turned to the defendant's table. "Mr. Winchester, would you like to make a statement?"

Sam leaned in as close as he could to his brother and pleaded with desperation, "Please, Dean."

But Dean shook his head and answered, "No, Your Honor."

"Okay," said the judge.

"Dean…"

"No, Sammy." 

The bailiff chided them, and they quieted down. 

"I want to thank you all for your statements. The court sympathizes with the tragedy this family has suffered, and I understand that everyone is on edge. But the court cannot tolerate verbal outbursts of any kind." Judge Death announced. "Will the defendant please rise for sentencing?" Sam and Dean stood up. "Dean Winchester, the jury having found you guilty of the Capital Murder of Castiel Winchester, I sentence you to death by lethal injection."

Despite the judge's warning, a collective gasp rolled through the room like waves at the beach. Several members of Castiel's family thanked God. Journalists scribbled notes and cameras clicked. Right beside him, Sam buried his eyes in his hands and started to cry, his large body shaking with sorrow. Ruby reached over from her seat in the audience and placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. 

But Dean felt nothing. Numbness. Like when Dr. Fitzgerald shot him up with Novocain to fill his cavity, after the medicine kicked in and well after Dean cursed him out for that terrifying injection. Numbness. Dean was afraid of dying, but he also welcomed it. 

Because, when that poison stopped his heart, Dean would be with Castiel. And Mom. And Dad. And Bobby. He would be able to apologize to them all and tell them all how much he loved them. He would beg forgiveness. And when he held Castiel in his arms again, for all eternity, there would be peace when Dean's life was done. Castiel was living proof that there was a God, and a Heaven, and that Dean would be welcome there, despite his terrible transgression.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so i know in reality Dean would not get sentenced to death for this crime... It's just for the sake of the story...
> 
> Thank you everyone for reading!!


	11. Holding Sam's Hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ruby and Sam prepare to watch Dean die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
> 
> I hope everyone had the most wonderful Christmastime!! Mine was just perfect and I could not feel any more blessed!! 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!!
> 
> 🎄🎅🦌🌲💖😻

Ruby was sure that her fingers were broken, but she refused to show any signs of discomfort. The pain she was in could not come close to rivalling what Sam was feeling. No matter what, she would be there to hold his hand through it all. 

Despite his 6'4" frame, Sam looked so small in the plastic white folding chair. It seemed like her husband had changed in the blink of an eye. His skin was pale and dry. He'd lost weight, which was something he could not really afford to do. She couldn't even remember the last time she'd seem him smile.

Many long nights had come and gone since Sam had last enjoyed a full night's sleep. Ruby had called Sam's doctor, who'd prescribed him some medication. But he hadn't taken it. He wanted to suffer through this. He felt that he'd let everybody down. Much as he hated to admit it, he had a self deprecating, masochistic streak that could rival his brother's. 

But there was more to it than that. Sam wanted to be in his right mind for this. Because of his failure, he felt that he owed Dean his full focus. Ruby did not blame him for the defeat. Dean didn't either. There was nothing more Sam could have done to change the outcome of the trial. Nonetheless, she understood his desire to keep a level head.

Ruby's stomach twisted. She wished she could have brought her crackers in from the car, but the rules forbade eating inside of the building. It was just as well. It wasn't like she had an appetite anyway. She just wanted something to soothe the awful nausea 

With all of her heart, she longed to tell Sam. It would bring him so much joy when he found out. But she knew it would be wrong to share with him now. At this time, it was imperative that he give his brother his full attention. Also, she did not want such wonderful news to forever carry the horrible scars of this reprehensible tragedy. 

In all her life, she'd never had a problem with claustrophobia. But the tiny viewing room seemed to be shrinking as more people entered. Castiel's brothers and sisters glared at her and Sam as they took their seats. They could not forgive Sam for defending his brother. 

Of course, Ruby could understand their anger. But, for the life of her, she could not fathom how they could not walk a mile in Sam's shoes. Sam didn't want to lose his brother any more than they'd wanted to lose theirs. It wasn't that complicated. It didn't mean Sam didn't care about Castiel, only that he had tried to save his brother from the gallows. 

The temperature in the box boiled. Ruby surmised that this was what Hell was like. It was fire and brimstone. It was the transfer of sorrow and pain from one person to another. It was pain and pride. It was revenge. It was frightening. It was inhumane. It was barbaric. 

Before all of this, Ruby had considered Castiel's family as her friends. She'd been quite close with Anael, like Samantha and Miranda from Sex and the City. Now they could barely bring themselves to look at her, as if she'd been the one to ravage their family. It was ruining their relationship with Jack, as well. This had caused Sam great pain, but Ruby had assured him that he might choose to come to them when he got older. Deep down inside, hidden in a place where Sam would never find even the faintest shadow of doubt, she hoped her own words were true.

Sam was a good man. He did not deserve any of this. He had endured enough. But the worst was yet to come. She could not imagine how her sensitive, sweet husband could bear this. Hell, she wasn't even sure that she could stand it. Except, Sam needed her, and she would always be by his side, no matter what. They would get through this together, just as they fought all of their battles together. 

Despite the heat, Ruby felt chills all over her body when she heard the clanking of locks and the ominous rattle of chains. Sam's grip tightened on her hand. Ruby prayed that it would all be over quickly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jared and Gen are so amazing!! I am counting down the days until Walker starts!! 
> 
> Destiel is canon!! I still love saying it!! 
> 
> I may edit this more and make it stronger because I love Ruby/Gen so much. I want to do her justice but I'm really tired now lol...
> 
> Thank you all so so much!! 😻😻😻


	12. Dead Man Walking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean's execution 😿

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year 2021!! I hope everyone has a blessed and healthy new year! And may 2021 be so much better than 2020!! It has to be!! My Supernatural Convention and Ringo Starr concert have been rescheduled to 2021 and i can't wait another minute! Lol 😹
> 
> 2500 hits!! Never in my wildest dreams!! Thank you all from the bottom of my heart!! I am so blessed!!
> 
> Dead Man Walking has been one of my favorite books/movies since i was a kid. This chapter is heavily inspired by Dead Man Walking.
> 
> Enjoy!! Thank you all again!! ✌ 💘 ⛄💖

"'The Lord is my Shepherd. I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures. He leadeth me beside still waters. He restoreth my soul. He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Ye though I may walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil. Thy rod and thy staff comfort me'," the Priest read from the Bible. 

Even before Castiel had inspired Dean to explore the Christian faith, Dean pretty much knew the passage by heart. Psalm 23. It had been recited at his mother's funeral. And his father's. And Bobby's.

It seemed fitting that the Priest would choose that particular quote on this day. Prior to this, it hadn't brought him all that much comfort. Sure, he was glad that his loved ones were safe with God. But he still wanted them to be with him. 

Today was different. Today, he relished hearing those words. Today, he would wake up from his nightmare.

It was not that he wasn't afraid of what was to come. Dean was terrified of receiving the lethal injection. But, the truth was, he'd died right alongside Castiel on that stormy summer night. Now, after the hacks shot their venom into him and the physical pain passed, his suffering would end. If Castiel was right about Heaven, then Dean would be reunited with his love in a matter of minutes. If by some unlikely chance Castiel was wrong, then at least Dean would not have to feel the unbearable grief of his loss and mistakes day in and day out. Either way, Dean would finally be free. 

There was only one hitch. Dean hated the idea of abandoning Sam. Ever since they were kids, Dean had always taken care of Sam. Hell, Dean had raised Sam into the man he was. Dean had promised that he would never leave him. He couldn't stand to break that decades old oath. After the tragic deaths of their parents and Bobby and Jess, Sam's college sweetheart, that vow was a sacred one to the both of them. 

But, Dean knew that Sam would be okay. Sam had Ruby, and their two wonderful sons. It would be hard for Sam, but he would thrive, just as he had at Stamford. 

Dean would also miss Jack something awful. But he would be fine as well. Gabriel, Balthazar, Anael, Naomi and Anna were doing their best to help him heal and providing him with a nice new life. In a lot of ways, Dean thought that Jack would be better off when Dean was gone.

The Priest made the sign of the Cross over Dean's forehead. ✝ Despite not being a Catholic, Dean had confessed his sins to the Priest. Of course he carried terrible remorse for what he'd done, and it did feel good to get it off of his chest. 

But Dean had opened up to the Priest for other reasons. Dean was determined to be reunited with Castiel in Heaven. That dream could not come true if he didn't seek forgiveness from God. His Protestant roots had shaped his belief that he could atone with God alone. But this was too important to risk. Dean had to see Castiel again. He had to earn a spot beside his soul mate in the Eternal Kingdom. 

The guards pulled Dean into the chamber. It felt like being inside of an aluminum can, all metallic and reeking of unnatural odors. Black curtains blocked his view of the spectators. It would have helped to see Sammy. Dean's nerves were beginning to go haywire, despite his acceptance of the inevitable. The sight of the IV tubes sent shivers down his spine and weakened his knees. His legs almost gave out, and he stumbled forward. 

The guards helped him lie down on the table of torture, the end of the green mile. They bound his arms and legs so that he could not move. Thanks be to God, this was the last time he would be tied down like a hog headed to the slaughter. It was funny. They all thought that they were punishing him. Dean considered it good fortune they did not realize they were giving him the peace he had always longed for.

The prison doctor scrubbed his arm with alcohol. It was an ironic indignity. He had no reason to fret about the possibility of an infection from an IV. The state was so worried about exact protocol that they lost all of their common sense.

Dean's heart raced, and his stomach twisted. He could feel the adrenaline and the fear heating up his blood. It seemed he was the only person in the world more afraid of the injection itself than the lethal poisons contained in it. But he put up no fight today. It wouldn't have made a difference, as he was strapped to the bed. Regardless, he had decided a while back that he would focus on all of the pain and the fright. It was nothing compared to the terror Castiel had experienced before his death, but it would be Dean's final form of penance.

Dean closed his eyes and turned his head away. Nope. He just couldn't do it. He was so much weaker than Castiel. Try as he might, he could not compel himself to watch as the doctor prepared the needle. 

In his mind, Dean conjured up the image of Castiel in the hospital on the night they'd met. He'd been suffering with grave injuries and surrounded by strangers with their faces hidden behind masks and holding sharp objects in their hands. It had been overwhelming and scary.

Dean had cried out, and Castiel had taken vigil over his bedside. Cass was like an honest to God angel, saving him from Alastair and making him feel safe in the place he despised more than anything else. It didn't even faze Dean to hold Castiel's hand. It didn't make him feel less macho at all because he could sense that Castiel would never judge him. 

'What's wrong, Dean?'

'I hate needles.' 

'Try not to worry. It'll be over in a minute.'

'Don't leave me.' 

'I promise I won't.' 

It sounded so real, as if Castiel were in the room at that very moment, uttering the words that led Dean to fall in love with him. 

Dean clutched onto Castiel's voice as if it were his hand. His mind held onto the image of those kind blue eyes, that welcoming smile. Dean trembled as the needle pierced his skin, but Castiel's words were as soothing as soft music. 

'I feel like I've loved you my whole life.'

The warden slid the curtains open so that the observers could witness Dean's final moments. Dean scanned the crowd on the other side of the windows, feeling a bit like Willy the whale right before he broke his tank. Anael and Anna were shaky but feigning strength. Michael was as stone faced and serious as always. Gabriel and Balthazar seemed zoned out, as if they were millions of miles away. Despite all their tough talk, Dean did not think that the Shirleys wanted him to die. Except for Michael, he did not doubt Michael's words. 

Sam and Ruby. Dean wished that he could tear himself free of these bindings, throw his arms around his baby brother and shield him from this horror. It was what his father had always expected of him, and Dean had let him down in the worst possible way. Instead of keeping Sammy safe, Dean was causing him grief and despair. Sam's eyes were already pink and puffy, and Dean could not imagine how much worse it would be for Sam when the guards pushed the buttons.

Ruby had never liked him much. The feeling had always been mutual. But Dean could see that Ruby was struggling to hold herself together for Sam. Much as they never got along, Dean always admired her resilience. And, say what he would about her, but Ruby loved Sam. Dean knew that his baby brother would be safe with her. 

"Do you have any last words, Mr. Winchester?" Asked the Warden.

In a frail, uneven voice, Dean whispered, "Take care of my brother, Ruby. Goodbye Sammy. I'm so sorry...for everything."

As machines clicked on and warm liquid swam into his veins, Dean held Sam's gaze as long as he could. Tears fell from Sam's eyes, and he leaned closer to Ruby for comfort. Dean knew the heartache he was causing his brother, and he prayed his brother would find solace. After all, in mere seconds, Dean would be reunited with Castiel for all eternity. And, in a few decades, Sam and Dean would be together. Dean didn't want Sam to be sad. He wanted him to carry on. 

Dean was about to find the one thing that had always been missing from his life.

Peace. 

The sedative administered in the first injection was working well, and he could not feel the agony of the life being drained from his body. But his time was drawing to a close. His bright green eyes could not remain open. But Dean resisted sleep just long enough to mouth 'I love you' to his little brother. It was fortunate that his eyelids clamped shut before any more tears could fall from Sam's puffy pink eyes. 

A bright white light drew Dean forward. He couldn't help feeling a bit apprehensive as he approached it. It was a bridge he was frightened of crossing alone. Although he believed in Castiel's God of mercy and love, Dean was still having a hard time imagining that anyone could forgive the awful thing he'd done to Castiel. 

Then, Dean felt a warm hand on his shoulder. All of his fears disappeared as the hand pulled him further from the chains of the past and closer to the freedom of the future. Dean curled his body into the arms of his savior and waited in breathless anticipation for the moment he'd dreamed of for so so long. Joy danced in his heart when he heard the voice he'd missed more than he could ever articulate.

"Hello Dean."


	13. "Seasons of Love"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Ruby measure the last year of Dean's life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2800 Hits... Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. The Supernatural family is my rock, particularly my Destiel family. Thank you all for being so kind and so supportive. I'm grieving the passing of my grandma right now and I'd be lost without you guys. 
> 
> Happy Birthday to Genevieve Padalecki. You are such a beautiful person inside and out. I'm one of your biggest fans. 
> 
> Thanks again everyone and please enjoy!!

"Are you gonna open it or just stare at it like it's a toy in a store window you can't have?" Ruby asked. 

Sam gazed at her with those woeful puppy dog eyes of his. The look wounded her, and she recoiled a little. Of course, he knew that she hadn't meant to be so cold and snarky towards him, not about this. Ruby was having a very difficult time with this baby. The doctors expected her to wind up on IV nutrition due to her severe nausea and weight loss. And, to be fair, she'd requested that he move the box off of the coffee table three days ago.

But Sam had not been able to bring himself to even touch it. Up until that point, that is. He'd rationalized it something like this. If he left it as it was, it made it a bit easier to pretend that he had not just witnessed his brother's execution. If he left it as it was, he could pretend he hadn't lost two very important people in his life. If he left it as it was, he could pretend that Dean and Castiel were both still alive. 

No. Ruby was right. Sam was incapable of running from his emotions. He was not like Dean. In this regard, he did not want to be like his brother. If Dean had had better control of his feelings and healthier ways to express them, Sam believed that both Dean and Castiel would still be here. 

Sam was not willing to feign normalcy any longer, not if it meant that he could explode the same way Dean had. Ruby and the children were everything to him. And, what was the point in prolonging the inevitable?

Dean and Castiel were dead.

Sam just had to deal with it.

With trembling hands, Sam tore off the packing tape. Beneath the flaps he found the summation of his brother's life in the time since Castiel's passing. The warden had given Sam and Ruby all of Dean's possessions after the execution. 

As Sam started to sift through Dean's things, he couldn't help but think of the song "Seasons of Love" from Rent. This small box of meager belongings were the measure of Dean's last year on Earth. So were 'the truths that he learned, the times that he cried, the bridges he burned' and 'the way that he died.' Dean had cried, burned bridges and died within the past 525, 600 minutes. That was for sure. But Sam couldn't help but wonder about the truths part. Dean had gone to his grave without ever acknowledging what Castiel's death had taught him. 

Sam decided to keep Dean's clothes, as well as the pictures and letters Dean had received while incarcerated. Ruby threw out his toiletries. It was odd that the guards had even packed them up.

At the very bottom of the box, Sam discovered Dean's Bible. Castiel's Bible. At Dean's request, Sam had brought it to the prison for him to read and to hold Castiel's memory close. Although Sam had never placed much value on material things, he couldn't fight the urge to press the Bible to his heart. It was like having a piece of them both right there with him.

As he did so, a folded piece of paper fell from the Bible. Sam bent down to pick it up. He noticed the word "Castiel' written on the front in Dean's messy print. 

Sam sat down on the couch. For a moment, he just studied the note. Should he read it? Was it a violation of his brother's privacy? Did it matter? 

No, Sam decided as he unfolded the page.

"Dear Castiel,  
Sam said I should write a statement for the court, telling them how much you meant to me and how sorry I am for what I did to you. But how the hell am I supposed to do that, Cass? How do I make a bunch of strangers understand how much I need you? Nobody will ever get it besides you. You were my best friend. My family. You were the only person who's ever loved me. You were the only person crazy enough to take a chance on me and to believe in me. I put you through hell and you still stayed by my side. No matter what I did, you always forgave me. You always made me believe that I was a good man, even though most of the time I wasn't. You encouraged me to try to be better without making me feel small. When I was sick or hurt, you took all the pain away. You did everything for me. The day we met, when I woke up in your arms and gazed into your big blue eyes, I thought that I'd died and you were an angel taking me to Heaven. You are an angel, Cass. You always have been. Sam said I didn't know what I had until it was gone. But he's wrong. I knew exactly how special you were, and I knew I could never live without you. That's why I did what I did. I hate myself for how weak I was, how stupid I was. I should never have taken you away. I should have been strong enough to let you go, and maybe you would have found it in your heart to forgive me someday. I know you would have. You were pure good through and through. Jack forgives me because he learned from you, and Anael too. I'm trying to figure out how to forgive myself so that I can see you after they shoot me up with their poisons. But I'm having a hard time because all I want is to hear you telling me that everything will be okay, that I can do anything I set my mind too, that you'll always be right beside me. Your belief in me is what used to get me through the day. Now it's the certainty of death and reuniting with you in Paradise that gets me out of bed everyday. I think Sam is right though. Not about the courts. Screw the judge and jury. Once they do their civil duties they won't give either of us a second thought. But I do think I should say it to you. I just wish you could hear it from me. Because, Castiel, I can't tell you how sorry I am. God I'm so sorry. I die every minute of every day because of how much I miss you. I'm sorry for hurting both of our families. I'm sorry for all the times I hit you and cursed at you. I'm sorry for not being half the man that you deserved, half the man you believed I was. I'm sorry for not loving you like I should have. I'm sorry for breaking your heart. I'm sorry for betraying you in the worst of ways. I'm sorry I let my insecurities and low self worth destroy us both. I'm sorry I hurt you. I love you Castiel and I always will.   
Love, Dean"

Overcome with emotion, Sam dropped the paper. He pressed his shaky hands over his eyes. Ruby pulled her husband against her chest. Sam threw his arms around her and wept.


	14. "In My Life"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "All these memories lose their meaning." ~John Lennon~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost 3000 Hits on this story and 82 kudos. Thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart. This is more than I ever could have dreamed of!! 
> 
> This is the final chapter. Thank you to everyone who has read it and stuck by me over the past few months. This story is so important to me. I will miss it a lot. 
> 
> I hope y'all enjoy it!!

***************************************************  
"Whoa!" Dean exclaimed.

His eyes blinked rapidly. His heart was beating out of his chest. His head spun in every direction as he tried to make sense of what was going on.

The last thing Dean remembered was falling asleep from the medicine the warden had injected into him. He checked his arms for the IVs so that he could rip them out. Instead, he discovered that his suit jacket was covering unharmed, Virgin skin with no traces of needle whatsoever.

Dean had the strange feeling of waking up from a vivid dream and not being sure if the nightmare was actual reality or if himself sitting up in his bed was what was real. Back in the good old days, Castiel would hold him and rub his back until he calmed down from his night terrors. Of late, Dean had to adjust on his own, and he hated it.

So, he pinched himself. It was his best way of figuring out when he had been dreaming: then or now. It had to be now. He fully anticipated not feeling when he tugged at his skin. His fingernails dug into his arm, and, sure enough, it hurt.

Dean was seated at the head table at his wedding reception. His glass of Tennessee whiskey was half full in front of him. Everything looked Christmasy and pretty, from the snowflakes to the mistletoe and holly that decorated the venue. All of his friends and family were gathered there, eating and drinking and celebrating such a jolly occasion. The room smelled of balsam and sugary sweets, just as he remembered. 

An uptempo hip hop song played through the speakers. Women bopped on the dance floor as men cheered. As if demanding all eyes be on her, Anna gyrated to the beat in that skimpy black dress of hers, her red hair swaying in such a seductive way.

Dean felt a tremendous ache in his head from alcohol and confusion. He could not understand what was going on. He wondered if perhaps he was in some sort of sci-fi horror show. Part of him expected to find a tardis outside or Piper, Pru and Phoebe to be stealing from the open bar. But it wasn't possible. None of this was possible.

All he knew was, he needed air.

Dean jumped up out of his chair, but he was pushed right back down. He'd been so caught up that he had not even realized that somebody had a hand on his shoulder. His brother-in-law, Gabriel, smirked as he sat in the seat beside Dean.

"I take it you didn't like the ride I sent you on," Gabriel teased.

"Gabriel? What the hell was that?" Dean demanded.

"'That' is what your life will become if you touch my sister," Gabriel informed him. Dean followed Gabriel's judgmental eyes to the captivating woman on the dance floor.

"Anna?" Dean asked.

"I saw you staring at her like she's a piece of meat, and I didn't like it," Gabriel told him.

"Anna? I would never..."

Gabriel chortled, "Yeah! I know you won't! Now!"

"How...how did you…" Dean stammered. Gabriel shook his head. "Aw c'mon, you just sent me into the 'Twilight Zone' and you're not even gonna tell me how?"

"Family secret. But I hope you appreciate the lesson I was teaching you."

"A lesson?" Dean scoffed. 

"Yeah, dumbass, about how you need to take damn good care of my brother…"

"Cass!" Dean cried out. 

Face lit up with hope and excitement, Dean shoved past Gabriel. All that mattered was seeing Castiel. As he searched for his best friend, Dean stopped caring about how Gabriel gave him those terrible visions. Once he found Castiel, they'd be nothing but dreadful memories. But until he touched Castiel, until his eyes beheld him, he would not be so certain that everything he'd experienced had been fake. 

"Cass!" Dean screamed.

"Dean? What's wrong?" Castiel whispered, setting down the plate of Christmas cookies he'd been filling. 

Tears of gratitude streamed down Dean's cheeks and soaked his joyful smile. Castiel was the most incredible sight in the whole world. That was Dean's exact thought on the night they met. But it was even more true now. His eyes of the sky were sparkling, and he was glowing with happiness. He was dashing in that suit, but Dean could not wait to get him back into his trusty trench coat. 

Dean threw his arms around Castiel with such force that he pushed his partner against the wall inadvertently. Dean nuzzled into Castiel's neck and breathed in his scent. He was clutching Castiel so tightly that Castiel's shirt was bunching up. But he couldn't let go. He remembered those lonesome nights in his cell (which still felt so damn real), when he would tell himself that he'd never loosen his grip on Castiel if he ever got to hold him again.

"Please don't leave me."

"I promise I won't."

Castiel rubbed Dean's back and kissed the top of his head. It almost brought Dean to his knees. His heart came close to exploding with love and thankfulness for his soul mate, his best friend, his honest-to-God angel. 

In Castiel's embrace, Dean made a silent oath to himself and to the Lord. He swore he would never cheat on Castiel. He promised he would never again lay a hand on his beloved. But, most of all, Dean vowed to appreciate all of the good things he had in his life. 

From his experience under Gabriel's influence, Dean had learned a few very important things. First, he could not live without Castiel. Second, he had a lot to be grateful for, as cliché as it sounded. But the most vital fact of life that he'd discovered was this: it would be his own insecurities that would lead to his undoing. If he didn't exorcise his own personal demons, they would ravage him and his family. 

Miracles didn't happen in the blink of an eye. Building his confidence and trusting himself would take time. Dean understood that. But he also didn't want to waste a precious moment with Castiel. Now that he knew what it was like to lose him, he was going to try to live each moment as if it could be their last. As he worked on himself, he would also do everything in his power to make sure that Castiel comprehended the depths of Dean's devotion to him, how Dean was willing to improve himself for him.

Dean would start right then, right there.

The DJ announced the final dance of the night. Dean was thrilled to at last be able to go home and be alone with the man he loved. Even better than that, he was about to leave this place with no thoughts of Anna or Anael or any of the trashy skeezers he'd met in the bar. Tonight, and for every night from there on out, he would think of no one but Castiel. 

The sweet sounds of "In My Life" by the Beatles filled the room. Young lovers and old married couples swayed to the beautiful ballad. Although Dean was not much of a dancer, and neither was Castiel in all actuality, Dean pulled his husband onto the wooden floor. There never was such a perfect song for such a moment, for everything Dean had just gone through and everything Dean had taken from the experience.

"All these memories lose their meaning." 

"There is no one that compares with you." 

"In My Life, I love you more."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't do it. I love Destiel and Dean too much to have him be abusive and adulterous and not change his ways. I'm still reeling from Castiel's death in 15x18 and i couldn't let him actually die in my story.
> 
> I hope you guys like the twist!! I love Gabriel/Trickster and am a low key Sabriel shipper lol.
> 
> Te Amo Dean!  
> Y Yo a To Cass!! 
> 
> Thank you all so much!! God bless!!


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